I.absolutely.HATE.it

I shouldn't be putting this photo here... for fear that you (my friends), will be so repulsed and can't undo the nauseating image in your head.  Haha. Truth be told, I.absolutely.HATE.it.

This must have been at my recorded heaviest; about 91kgs, in May 2017.

Well, unfortunately for you, I'm still going to put this here... because... It's been only 4 months (12.09.19) since my lowest recorded weight (68.9kg) and I have successfully put on 7.8kg as of today (17.01.2020). That's on average 2kg/month.  I'm supposed to LOOSE 2kg/month.  Not put on!  This photo is a reminder to myself that I should NEVER, EVER go back there again.  I.absolutely.HATE.it.

I'm being in such a foul mood today, because it's 2pm and I haven't eaten anything since morning, because I'm trying to get back into my IF mode (OMAD, 5:2, 16:8... whatever) which I happily left in November, along with the school days.  And now... I'm being just plain HANGRY.  I HATE being FAT.   and I hate being hangry too.  I.absolutely.HATE.it.

My good friend who is a doctor told me never to say myself as fat... never to call myself names... I do not call myself names, but, I'm stating the truth no?  Have I told you this before? I absolutely DETEST being fat.  Yes, I agree that we need to have a healthy self image... that you are beautiful no matter what size you are.  200% agreed.  And I KNOW I am beautiful no matter what size I am.. But have you ever tried trying on clothes at the store and you just look.... revolting.  Not to other perhaps, but in your own eyes.  Yes, REVOLTING.  It IS that bad.  I.absolutely.HATE.it.

I used to thank the modern society for creating "plus size" clothing, for then I was able to try clothes on and have things to wear.  But when I was able to fit into XL and then some L, it was exhilarating to not look like you have a tent on you.  So when I went window shopping again recently (after putting all that weight back on again), I was disgusted with the layers of fat around my mid-body and how it looked like layers of tyres.  Soft, punctured, wobbly tires.   Yucks.  I.absolutely.HATE.it.

When I loose weight, I end up having lose skin.  It's repelling to see all those skin, especially in the fitting rooms where you can see every.single.inch of your body and you see those "elephant legs".  By the way, that's not name calling myself ok... try to picture how elephant legs looks like... yes, like that.  "elephant legs" is what people call those legs with lose skin (usually after loosing lots of weight).  I.absolutely.HATE.it.

BUT, I will take lose skin over being fat any day.  Any day at all.  I miss my "flat" stomach, my smaller arms, my better fitting clothes, my boosted self confidence.  Don't get me wrong... I wasn't at any point of time "slim".  I still had "spare tires" around my belly, my arms were still huge (and saggy and wobbly), I was still wearing XL clothes, but it definitely felt better.  To have the stamina, to do physical activities without an onslaught of astma-akin attack and most of all, to look good in clothes and to see the gleam in other people's eyes that tells you the same; you look good.  (though I care about how I look without clothes, but most people will see you WITH clothes, right?)  I.absolutely.HATE.it.

From my long post; without photos, you'd know that I am really super upset today.  Super upset with my own lack of self control, super upset at how just sniffing food will make me put on 1kg/sniff, super upset at how distasteful I look at the moment.  I am also trying to psych myself to get back into the rythmn... to tell myself that all this hunger will be worth it, that in the end, what matters is that when I die, people can carry my coffin without breaking their back.  And hopefully then, I wont absolutely.HATE.it.

From:  A really HANGRY diet-er