I.absolutely.HATE.it

I shouldn't be putting this photo here... for fear that you (my friends), will be so repulsed and can't undo the nauseating image in your head.  Haha. Truth be told, I.absolutely.HATE.it.

This must have been at my recorded heaviest; about 91kgs, in May 2017.

Well, unfortunately for you, I'm still going to put this here... because... It's been only 4 months (12.09.19) since my lowest recorded weight (68.9kg) and I have successfully put on 7.8kg as of today (17.01.2020). That's on average 2kg/month.  I'm supposed to LOOSE 2kg/month.  Not put on!  This photo is a reminder to myself that I should NEVER, EVER go back there again.  I.absolutely.HATE.it.

I'm being in such a foul mood today, because it's 2pm and I haven't eaten anything since morning, because I'm trying to get back into my IF mode (OMAD, 5:2, 16:8... whatever) which I happily left in November, along with the school days.  And now... I'm being just plain HANGRY.  I HATE being FAT.   and I hate being hangry too.  I.absolutely.HATE.it.

My good friend who is a doctor told me never to say myself as fat... never to call myself names... I do not call myself names, but, I'm stating the truth no?  Have I told you this before? I absolutely DETEST being fat.  Yes, I agree that we need to have a healthy self image... that you are beautiful no matter what size you are.  200% agreed.  And I KNOW I am beautiful no matter what size I am.. But have you ever tried trying on clothes at the store and you just look.... revolting.  Not to other perhaps, but in your own eyes.  Yes, REVOLTING.  It IS that bad.  I.absolutely.HATE.it.

I used to thank the modern society for creating "plus size" clothing, for then I was able to try clothes on and have things to wear.  But when I was able to fit into XL and then some L, it was exhilarating to not look like you have a tent on you.  So when I went window shopping again recently (after putting all that weight back on again), I was disgusted with the layers of fat around my mid-body and how it looked like layers of tyres.  Soft, punctured, wobbly tires.   Yucks.  I.absolutely.HATE.it.

When I loose weight, I end up having lose skin.  It's repelling to see all those skin, especially in the fitting rooms where you can see every.single.inch of your body and you see those "elephant legs".  By the way, that's not name calling myself ok... try to picture how elephant legs looks like... yes, like that.  "elephant legs" is what people call those legs with lose skin (usually after loosing lots of weight).  I.absolutely.HATE.it.

BUT, I will take lose skin over being fat any day.  Any day at all.  I miss my "flat" stomach, my smaller arms, my better fitting clothes, my boosted self confidence.  Don't get me wrong... I wasn't at any point of time "slim".  I still had "spare tires" around my belly, my arms were still huge (and saggy and wobbly), I was still wearing XL clothes, but it definitely felt better.  To have the stamina, to do physical activities without an onslaught of astma-akin attack and most of all, to look good in clothes and to see the gleam in other people's eyes that tells you the same; you look good.  (though I care about how I look without clothes, but most people will see you WITH clothes, right?)  I.absolutely.HATE.it.

From my long post; without photos, you'd know that I am really super upset today.  Super upset with my own lack of self control, super upset at how just sniffing food will make me put on 1kg/sniff, super upset at how distasteful I look at the moment.  I am also trying to psych myself to get back into the rythmn... to tell myself that all this hunger will be worth it, that in the end, what matters is that when I die, people can carry my coffin without breaking their back.  And hopefully then, I wont absolutely.HATE.it.

From:  A really HANGRY diet-er

41

Time flies... seems like only yesterday I checked in for my 40th birthday.  Before I can even achieve whatever I've set to do, here I am again, 41.

This year, I thought I would not bother with having a day to myself because I thought I will not have any leave and also financial constrain.

But come December, my teammate at work and I still had 6 days of leave each that we had to clear off.  So, after much discussion, at the 11th hour, I decided to take leave anyways.  But then, this year, she wanted to take the weekend / early of the week off, so I had to work on my birthday and only checked in, in the evening, continued on till the next day and back to the office in the evening again.

Hilton of course was a bit too pricey, and Jane had once let us have her river-view room here at Waterfront Hotel and I fell in love with it (thanks Jane).  It being just infront of Darul Hana bridge, the river, the beautiful Masjid Terapung and all the magnificent heart of Kuching, I decided to stay here.

Got myself a cake from SR just for formality (and for the photo sake!), had some cold beer courtesy of a friend, pondered quietly before The Lord and committed, read and Netflix throughout the night till the call of Subuh, promptly fell asleep till it was time to check out.  It was raining cats and dogs that night, with thunder and lightning, being in bed doing nothing was pure bliss.  Something I learnt that night was that beer can heal cough!  I was coughing rather badly during that period of time.  But that night, I think I had 5 cans of beer, and the next day, the cough magically disappeared!  I guess either the alcohol warms your insides, or it kills all your germs!  So next time, instead of taking 6 bottles of cough syrup, I'm just gonna down 6 cans of beer when I cough!

Heard that Waterfront Hotel's breakfast ain't that great, so I decided to skip that for the next day.  This place is too near to everything (i.e. all the good breakfast food at a steal), so you don't have to take the breakfast option.  Just venture out to eat yummy street food.  But I just stayed in the super comfortable king sized bed and didn't even bother going out, not even to the pool.

It was absolutely selfishly delicious to be alone on my birthday.  It was extremely quiet too, with everyone being busy for the season.  Serene to just be sitting by the window when your phone is quiet too!  I've not achieve most of what I set out to do during my 40th, so I'm just going to re-use those for this year.  I definitely look forward to the 42nd.

Sixteen

My son is sixteen.  How about that?  Do you feel old yet?  I do...!  Anyways... jotting this down in the blog, lest I forget.

My gift from the Almighty.  Thank you Lord.

Last year we went for a duo trip to Penang and ate our hearts out.  But this year, I didn't have any leave nor the extra finances to go for a trip.

Round 1:  very healthy right?  I super love this plater!!!  With Black Coffee.  Really good.

I thought of doing something nice for Noel.  And for myself too, because I deserve a pat on the back for the labour pain and c-section I went through to have him.  Haha. Yes, any reason to eat.

Round 2:  Western breakfast.  The baked beans weren't nice.  The croissant was baked fresh in the cafe, but it wasn't the way it's supposed to be, flaky and buttery.

So, I took the day off, and then woke him up early to go for breakfast at Hilton.  I've always loved Hilton's breakfast, no matter if it has lessen a bit in term of environment coziness, variety of food or the quality of the food over the years.

Round 3.  Local food.  Curry was nice.  And of course I MUST have their Teh Tarik.  Yums!

I still had more that what I'm supposed to have.  To get my money's worth of course.  And Noel?  Well, he gave up after 3 rounds.  Haha... Pandai takut makan...

Round 4.  I love the super thick bread.  They panggang it with arang before serving.  Nice and crunchy.  Sweet toppings.  The starting of my dessert.  The soft boiled eggs were already cold, but perfectly executed.

During the breakfast, like what I'd do on my birthday, I got him to think, to talk about and to write down 5 things he is thankful for, 5 regrets and 5 things he'd like to do for the future.

Round 5.  Final round.  Now, WHY ON EARTH aren't there CAKESSSSSS for breakfast!!!! A bit disappointed with the dessert selection.  (Ker, aku jer yang makan dessert for breakfast)

We also talked about future in studies, what to do and how to achieve it.  Thanks to Aunty Jane for her input too.  Divine timing.  Yes, we know the path ahead will not be easy.  But we'll do our best.  I hope he will do the best in his studying too.  

Reflection of a 16 year old.

I think it was a good time spent together, although it was hard for him to do the reflection part, he's still "a kid" anyways, kids just wanna have fun right?  But one thing I noticed during the breakfast was that I spent more time on my phone then he did. Haha.. as in taking photos, uploading etc.  I asked if he was not going to put the day on insta / Instastories, and he's like, no need mom, just enjoy the time.  Wow.  This mother epic fail.

Started wearing hairband because his hair is really long now.  His grandfather hates it.  I used to think I'd hate it too, but I'm surprisingly OK with it.

After breakfast, we went to catch Frozen 2 the movie.  It was a good movie.  I wanted to go for a second movie, but then Noel requested to have his friends over to BBQ.  The gang had actually wanted to have a BBQ in September, before their final exams, but time weren't right.  I actually love having these kids over at the house.  At least I know his friends.

Must have birthday cake - No Bake Oreo Cheesecake

So after the movies, we went home to prepare.  And because Noel's cousins were around, we decided to sing the birthday song and cut the cake then.  In the afternoon.  We normally will cut cake in the morning, but because the kids left earlier than usual to school this morning, we did not.  This is the yearly-must-do cake for Noel.  He will not request for any other cake but this one.  It's been a few years (more than 5), and yet he still wants it.

Menu:  BBQ lamb, chicken, pork, Mashed potatoes with mushroom sauce, fried bihun, white rice, coleslaw.  Apu Nenek added bbq fish and roasted pumpkin.

Then, we started working on the BBQ.  Everything was already prepared, so it wasn't so difficult.  It was a long preparation time for me, because I was doing it all by myself.

Tuesday night:  Lined the cake pan
Wednesday morning:  Made the cake base.
Wednesday night: Went for my usual latte session with Sal.  Till about 12 midnight.  Yes, we meet often, but yes, we still have lots to talk about.
Got back home at 12.30 and started prepping.  Ended at 3.30am
- Make cake
- Peel shallots, garlic, ginger, lemongrass.  Blend
- Wash chicken wings, lamb
- Marinate
- Julienne Carrot
- Slice Mushroom
- Peel Potatoes
Thursday morning:  Woke up at 4.30am.  Went to market.  Bought pork / add on chicken wings.  Went home.  Marinated meat.  Sliced Cabbage.  Then went out to breakfast.
Thursday afternoon:  Came home from breakfast, boiled potatoes, fried bihun, cooked rice, make coleslaw, make mashed potatoes, make mushroom sauce.  Done.  Everything was ready by 4.30pm.

There were supposed to be 6 friends.  But one weren't allow to skip tuition by the mom, so only 5 came.  They were pointing to where that one was supposed to be sitting.  Some of these boys also came last year.  I love it that when I meet them in school, we can talk and joke; unlike some parents who will just stand / sit far from their kids and their friends.

We're supposed to start dinner at 5pm, but the last of the kids only arrived at 6.40.  So we started dinner at 6.45.  We were supposed to eat outside the house, but out of no where the fogging team came and we had to rush and brought everything inside.  Once inside, lazy to bring out anymore.  So just ate indoors.  Normally, the kids would take food and eat at the living room, but yesterday, we adults got kicked out from the kitchen and the kids conquered the kitchen.  I was pooped by 8.30, and went to the room to nap while they enjoyed themselves.  Told noel to wake me up when it's time for me to send them home.  But when Noel woke me up at 10pm, he said everyone left, with Dean's mom sending them home.

I hope Noel had a good day of celebration and that his love tank is full.  My only hope is that he knows that he is indeed loved.  I'm freaking out, because I fear that I might not be able to provide for his future... but it's OK lah... God will take care of everything.

Trying to loose weight is tiring!

One of my colleagues forwarded this photo to me recently.  Taken in December 2016.  We all had a good laugh on how round I looked!

Fast forward November 2019, I've lost about 20kgs since then.  My highest recorded weight was 91kgs in May 2017, I reckon I must have been heavier before that.  But it's been slowly going down.  Read:  SLOWLY.  It's been a reaaaallll draggg!!!

It's so tiring to keep it up.  It's even more tiring to loose more.  I still have another about 10kgs (ideal will be another 14-15kgs) to loose to achieve my ideal BMI.  Who am I kidding?  That's something I will never be able to achieve.

Urrrrggghhhhhh!!!! Do you know the pain of wanting to eat (because you naturally LOVE food) but you are unable to, because with just a SNIFF of food, you will gain 5kgs.  The kind of sabotage your body goes into once you put a morsel of food in your mouth!  BLURRRGGHHHHH!!!!!  And that is why desperate times calls for desperate extreme measures of just not eating.  But.... ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

From the pen of a hungry dieter.

Bo Lat

No... it's not BULAT (round)... not BOO LAT... it's BO LAT... In Hokkien BO means "don't have". LAT means "energy".  So, bo lat means no energy.

Have you ever had days when you just don't have the energy to do anything?  No energy to entertain anyone.  Don't even want to open your mouth to speak?  Ya?  You have them too?  Good.  Because I definitely have them.

I actually have a gazzilion things to do... in the office.  in the ministry.  at home.  but gosh.  I can't be bothered to even START doing them.

You know, our life shouldn't be affected by what is happening around us.  Our feet should be planted well in the intimate relationship with God that our emotions are immovable despite and in spite of what goes on around us and how the emotion of others are.  But I think, because I do not have an intimate personal relation with God, I become very... BO LAT.  I get affected by how others talk / act, by what my scale shows me in the morning, by who chats with me, by many other things.  KEYWORD:  INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP.  Not just a personal relationship.  But an INTIMATE one.

Things I need to do:

Work:  CIDB, UPKJ, MOMs, MOA, P&P, Filing, Keys, Updates

Ministry:  Budget, Planning, Committee Meeting, Graduation Slides, Graduation Speech, Breakfast, YADAYADAYADAYADA

Home:  Clean room, mop house, wash toilets, CHRISTMAS

BLUEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

For now, I just wanna roll up in my bed and just melt away from existence... 

NECF 40 days fast & pray: Day 9 - 17

I've not posted much about these days, because I've missed so many days, mostly due to social obligations...

I "reset" to Day 1 again on Tuesday and today being the 5th day, am famished like mad, which is usually the case.

Drank 2 mugs of milo already.  Doesn't seem to be helping.  Another 3 days to my next social obligations...

NECF 40 days fast and pray: Day 8; Mind being Renewed

I've noticed I've spoken a lot about food and hunger so far...  Yes, that is the chunk of the struggle, trust me.  I don't think I ever want to do this again.  Ever.

Spiritual wise - I'm learning to pray every time I have hunger pang (which is all the time!) hahaha... and been listening to Audio reading of the bible.  I am behind, based on the NECF guide book, but I'm trying still.

May my mind be renewed as I Read, Meditate and Act on the Words of God.